Put a ring on it
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.