Put a ring on it
You Might Also Like
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
✌️
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up