Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The Backseat Boys
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.