Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Hello Twits.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?