Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

what do you want!!!!!!!!