Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there