Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

So creative 😂

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”