Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.