put ‘er there pardner!
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry