put ‘er there pardner!
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
As per my last nervous breakdown
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?