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@VerifiedJayy: Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.
Wait til spring
@Pirate_nurse: I wanna be the reason you're comfortable with your prostate examination
@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
@VeganZebra: [Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where'd it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
@TheMichaelRock: The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.
- Me explaining to my son why he can't have a sister.