Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?