put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
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stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.