Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

Owl Sanctuary