put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body