Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.