Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I can’t deal with men any longer

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?