Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.