Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.