Put my back out twerking in the library again
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
#milo
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails