Put my back out twerking in the library again
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape