Put my back out twerking in the library again
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Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle