Put my back out twerking in the library again
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
A friend sent me this.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look