put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me