Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.