put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.