Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just stopped by to water my horse.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

see next tweet for some translations

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Webb. James Webb.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.