Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

When you don’t understand how floors work

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.