Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I want this so bad
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
found this cool rock hiking today
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.