Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
S/o to @funTweeters .
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body