Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.