Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium