put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar