Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken