put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.