Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
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Wait a minute
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
This week’s mood.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.