Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
socratic questions
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.