Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.