Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!