Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Breakfast for Stoners:
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.