@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

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@kateclayborn

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@LosLos__

I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that

THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE’S LYING TO YOU!

@reczit

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@JVarsityCaptain

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

@VodkaThursday

I got an email from Olga. She thinks I’m sweet & “longs for finding a special person for serious relations”. So there’s always that.

@p_net

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.