Put the is in disheveled
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
A drum solo but on your face.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*