Put the is in disheveled
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A ghost story
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
when unicorns get really drunk
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.