Put the is in disheveled
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.