Put the is in disheveled
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.