Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
A small tragedy.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.