Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you