Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?