Put this video in the Louvre
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
tell em, edith-anne
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
🐶😂
