Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
![]()
You Might Also Like
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Breaking news:
![]()