Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”