Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.