Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?