Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

i prefer mine room temperature.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.