put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Thanks to a fan for this one.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Stop making fast and furious movies.