Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.