Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
