Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
CUTE CAT‼︎
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.