Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.