Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list