“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
scares
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
