“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
They’re really bad with fonts.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on