Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

this post was so formative to me

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

I got bills

They’re multiplying

My god she’s good.

The game has officially changed 😎

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*