“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.