“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The devil.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it