Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Not today.. 😂
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Air pods looking like an angry frog
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs