Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

Goat cheese is for herders.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.