Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
You Might Also Like
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
real
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.