Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Wake me when AI does housework
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat