I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win