@SuperApple80

Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.

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@notviking

when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo

@XAIMMadellynne

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

@CakeThrottle

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@VerifiedBIB

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

@hippieswordfish

ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess…yes? i don’t know, what was the question again
INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive

@david8hughes

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.