Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.

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when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo


Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.


We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons


Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.


ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess…yes? i don’t know, what was the question again
INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive


Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.


My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.