Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

SCARY COSTUME

At ease

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Taking phone security to the next level.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass