Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
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The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Genius.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*