Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
You Might Also Like
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’ve had worse
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.