Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?