puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.