puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage